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 Philosophical Entries.

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Memieko
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PostSubject: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:30 pm

I decided writing would be the best psychological therapy for my issues and so decided to make these entries for myself and anyone who wants to hear my words.

Life of Invisibility

I am making short philosophical entries of my own thoughts and life to express my pains, worries, and ideas. In short it could be considered a personal diary only deeper than talking about the everyday activities of happenings which never interested me. This is more about my own life and to help me gain a little more understanding by reading the words I feel. So as far as I've known I'll start with the present and work my way back since whats happening now is more important than in the past. First comes first is I leave my own invisible life on the internet.

I choose a life as invisibility because I, myself, am in invisible to people in real life or so I think. The people that get close to me can never become close enough to be permanent and based on my past experiences (which will be later addressed in other entries such as this) I choose not to let them get close enough. So the people I ever meet always come and go and I never move from my own location. I bonded well with this life because it was easier to be noticed here.

Being a female gamer usually attracts some attention, but as my life moves on I feel nothing ever changes. In this entry I hope to only emphasize on my own life in general, the other minor/major details will be later described. In writing this I hope to show more people about myself and what really moves through my mind. Anyway, as an internet dweller people stayed with me longer, but nobody stays on the internet forever and neither will I.

In a month I tried making an attempt to stick out more in what is referred to as a real life. I have made no successes but there have been a few appreciations which have increased my confidence. As the world keeps spinning I feel as though I were the only one that stayed still, but then I look back at people and see they still act as though they never grew the 5 years they did. Maybe my mind is being pulled too fast and too far ahead of them to the point where it'll be dust by the time I'm 40. I try my best not to look for trouble but conflicts arise and sometimes I can't contain my opinion if my belief is too strong to withhold in me.

Every little thing can change my whole world. A quick example would be this one short and simple chain of events. Recently I decided to rejoin a MMO (Massive Multiplayer Online) Which is just basically a video game on the internet. It sounds simple, but that lead to much problems which will be also explained. In rejoining this MMO I got invited to a guild, I thought they were recruiting people for numbers and figured I would be ignored and would be able to still move freely through the game as I pleased. Such an event made me follow into the path of pain and hardship. I grew up more though, but now my question is, do I want to really keep growing. I blame my increase in wisdom for my lack in social skills with my community.

I'm writing this hopefully express whatever I have in me and return to the same innocence I once held long ago. If it is at all possible. Continuing my short tale I then found a form of love, or it found me. This led to a broken heart without my even trying. How these events tend to find me I won't ever know, but it happens and we must make due with what life throws at us. I have a strange fear from it all, though. I fear moving on destined for loneliness and only finding comfort temporarily in the arms of a potential heart break, and I fear that no matter how I try, I can never go back to being who I was and who I want to be.

Sometimes I curse how unfair this fate may be and wonder why I was lead into it. I gain my low self esteem because I feel I must have done something horrible to deserve this from people. Those that do tell me I don't deserve it, hurt me in the end. Maybe I'm writing this as a cry for help or maybe I'm writing it just to help release the memories from which are entrapped within this broken mind. Either way, I believe it will help me, and those of you that are interested, I say thank you. I will continue this more in detail.

If you are wondering why the internet can be this stupidly devastating to a person like me, then I'm sitting here wondering along the same lines. I ask myself 'Why do I care?' 'Why do these people affect me this much?' but maybe I just made the hole to my heart too wide because I fooled myself in thinking they shared my compassion and interest with this invisible life. Trust isn't something that should be given lightly, but I still do it for reasons I still don't know or understand yet. People call it foolish, irresponsible, or just plain stupid, but something tells me to ignore and let the pain flow through. I'm more afraid of pain because I don't want to gain any new experiences and stick with what I know versus what I have yet to know. Yet, on a path for love there is no sticking to what you know, it is almost impossible to find love from sticking to your same path and still be able to let it grow while walking down the same path.

Love is blinding and people are easily swooned when they touch it. So maybe now that it why I keep my heart open and hope that some amazing and wonderful person will reach me in my life and that can adore me and accept me the way I am and do to most of my friends and family.

To be continued.

(Note: Nothing in this is edited, thus why there are no breaks in the paragraphs, upon request will I add breaks.)

Breaks added-


Last edited by Memieko on Sat Jul 30, 2011 11:59 am; edited 2 times in total
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Littlered
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:16 pm

Hey Memi. I suppose life has been nothing but invisibility after reading this. First off I gave you +1 because I think this really effects not only yourself but others. Including me...

My little story is a bit unrelated to your's but hear me out because I'm on your side. I recently had a major breakup with someone whom I have unknown feelings for anymore. He threatened me, was cruel to me, and wanted me to suffer. He has brought me into my own new world because our romance was such a joke.

My feelings the day he really hurt my feelings were maybe over the top. I know I wasn't happy at all (it's not that I miss him) and from this experience I think I really have learned a lot that day. I shouldn't be so young and in love, I shouldn't make friends with people who want to be friendly with me and instead only be friends that I wish to be friendly with. I'm done letting other people underestimate my capabilities because I am not just a girl. I am a women, mature and strong. Sure does not seem that I am one to be invisible, but lately these days I can't see what friends I really have. I am thankful to have at least 3 good friends in real life, I know that friends aren't just there to be there, they are there to question you, bring you confort, and joy. For me, my relationship with my wonderful friends is a blessing, but I am no stuck up queen anymore. I may have once been fragile like glass, and everyone that didn't like me could have torn me down, but now I have reinvented myself. I want it known to even strangers that I am a capable being and that I am a being just as much as anyone else is, not a stick in the mud. I'm sure this is very confusing to understand even for someone who may think they know what they have, but it's all real and the world is something that couldn't be broken like people.

My advice in the end is quit living in the past, keep moving forward, and stay strong of course. Call me a kid for posting this, but I think this is worth saying. An ex disney star quite spectacular and talented went to rehab on her own decision to make up for what was lost in her life. She has been a big role model for me this past year and I think many of us should see it as well. I think she's very dedicated in all matters and can really bring someone happiness. Her name is Demi Lovato and she is where I got my advice "stay strong" To her fans, to her family, to her life, she will never forget who she is deep down and will remain true to herself likewise we should all. She recently is in the making of a new album and recently came out with a single that I think really helps me realize who I am, and what I want to be. Memi if you would please listen to this song, I wish to promote your feeling of being there along with mine, because recently I have not been my true old crazy self. I consider myself different but in a way I'm still me. Listen to it, and I hope you will feel better about yourself. Don't let anyone tell you that you are unimportant or hideous. You are beautiful, and every girl deserves to be called that...because we are and we want to know it when we don't think it. Release all of your insecurities and let it be known who you are. In the end be yourself, be you, be what you want to be, and don't let those who try and tear you down get in your way...ever.


________________________________________________
Never be ashamed of what you feel.
You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you Happy


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Memieko
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:21 pm

Thanks for the post Ari, and I don't live in the past it just hangs over my head a lot, and already posting this has actually helped. If I put all my thoughts down on paper then I don't have much need to keep it in my head. Right now I just want it out of my mind. So I'll continue these more too. Thank you a lot for your post though.
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 4:44 pm

Love and Relationships

So it appears this will be my second entry, sorry my mind hasn't really had time to sit down and really think about any of this. Usually music sparks certain emotions to make me think this. I also apologize ahead of time for I think this might turn into a vent/explanation of my last relationship rather than about the throes of love, since i know what I want to say about my relationship I'll probably start off with it. I've been taking a pattern for 4 years now. A and J. So far I've gone Andre to Jose to Ajay to John to Alex. I know the fourth person will be highly unlikely to read this so it's safe to say his name.

I believe this cycle has slightly bored me. Each person besides Jose and Alex I left for the sake of better love. In the case of Jose, I fell out of love with the help of Ajay and John. In the case of Alex, which I know a lot of you have heard over and over again, he left me.

I'm not going to sit here and repeat about what was already told, this is an entry not a place to vent my worries. I gain understanding by writing exactly what my mind feels and how. So, I have come to notice the pain wasn't just because he didn't love me anymore or even dropped me. It was a fear that I never knew I always had. He was the first person I had ever met that seemed at all interested in my everyday life and everything I did. It seemed he loved all the little things that happened with me, drawing, playing a game, scripting my Ragnarok Online server, or just simply listening to my type of music. It's hard to explain that type of happiness, but that's the main reason it hurt so bad.

I was shoved back into loneliness I always knew. Once a person in poverty experiences the benefits of being rich, they almost can never go back to their own demise. Just like a plant you wait too long to prune can't go back to it's original size. Perhaps this was the reason I feared any happiness, I was afraid to get comfortable with it just to be brought back to what I already knew. I had actually been leaning back to Ajay after Alex, since he was the only person to truly provide the comfort and support I needed. I also felt there wasn't any better than this. I realize now I had given up completely on hope of finding anyone to really love me.

I'm a generalist, I don't do an outstanding job at anything, just good in everything. I'm not an expert at drawing and coloring, not an expert at singing, playing an instrument, reading, writing, animal health, math, English. Just okay with it all. With my hobbies and activities dispersed so far out. I highly doubted anyone would come to love someone like this since most people tend to stay in a special area and know what exactly they're good at and what they can become. So I assume in order for my own self to find someone that can love me I would have most likely need to find someone like myself.

I mentioned before I had been searching for a certain person. Leaving myself vulnerable to a lot of pain. Jose lit a spark in that because he seemed to take me for who I was and what I believed in. Later I realized he didn't understand me and that's why he took me how I was. Ajay used to know what I was thinking but we had a huge disagreement with kids. I then looked for a fix to that problem with John, but realized we disagreed with everything else. Then with Alex, I can't quite say what exactly happened. I knew there were problems from which we did argue quite a bit. Maybe in a sense that doesn't make any sense we were too much alike and too different at the same time.

I can't quite say just yet, since a part of it is unknown since we split on the explanation of "I have personal issues right now." Anyway, now I've met a new friend, no I don't want a replacement for any other relationship. I do know what I want in a person but that thought creates my fear of never finding anybody. I probably leaned towards the internet because it was the easiest place to look for people, but meeting someone now gave me some new hope. Which I might discuss later depending on how everything works out. So what would I describe love to be? I have no idea to be honest.

With all this understanding of myself I fail to understand my own heart. So I leave my own definition of love as an indescribable feeling, it's different for everyone. It creates pain, yearning, fear, joy, happiness and even hate.

Oh yes, about online relationships. I seriously don't think anyone should let a screen get in the way of who you love. I'm suggesting that anyone go about the same path I chose, but keep your mind open to the options others do choose. I don't deter anyone from an online relationship or run it all over their mind that they never work because even in news or magazines, you see people getting married from online relationships. Depending on who you meet and how willing you are to stay in them, they can work. Mine haven't, not for the sake of it being online, but because of either the opposite side or my deciding they were not right for me, got in the way. So don't blame the screen for a break up.

Sorry this appeared to turn into more of a vent than I interpreted.



Remember these are all unedited besides breaks an spell checks, also most entries are about me and my own analysis, not actual facts.

Also, I know this breaks writing rules in that it's a continuous thought, but Euphy requested it to be more reader friendly using paragraph breaks.
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RedHerring
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 5:33 pm

Deep Stuff. :/


Last edited by RedHerring1290 on Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Memieko
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:07 pm

I kinda figured that's why you would read it, sorry, but everyone knows your name so not like it matters, I'm not gonna go: Oh yes I dated a Magikarp lol


Last edited by Memieko on Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:16 pm; edited 2 times in total
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RedHerring
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:12 pm

Who ya talkin to?


Last edited by RedHerring1290 on Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Memieko
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:14 pm

RedHerring1290 wrote:
Just say felipe like everyone else then.

that wouldn't make sense when describing A's and J's.Also, way to go. Now everyone who is new and reads this will know it's your name.

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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:17 pm

RedHerring1290 wrote:
Just say felipe like everyone else then.

John is easier to type
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Memieko
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Thu Feb 09, 2012 10:55 pm

I've come to realize something after today a girl told me I was immature and that I annoyed her. She justified her talking down to me by saying she was 18 (few months older than me and was sure she had gone through a lot more than I have) but now deciding on what exactly defines maturity I have come to this conclusion. One may experience any pain and ordeal the world has to offer, but can still be immature by others views. She is mature in her own right, but I decide that matuirty is even more than experience and age, it is how we learn form those experiences and apply them to every day life. All I've experienced comes from my online life. Not much, but it's enough to teach me well. So I say to her, obviously you need to experience a lot more before you think anything gives you the right to treat someone who wouldn't treat you this way. We all have choices, and she can sit there and stay angry at everyone around her, but I'm making my choice to be goofy and have fun and enjoy life and the people who make my life worthwhile. Thank you random girl who knows nothing about me in AP US History.

So I decided to give some new entry, it's short, but a good start to get me back into writing. I'm still shooken up about this and god the things I would say to her, but I won't step down to her behavior because she insulted some of my principles. Later on in the the day three people walked up to me and hung out around me while I drifted by myself to play the Ocarina, so that was a plus. Anyhow, I've decided to take a leap of faith and go for broke on a series I wanted to write. May this put me on hiatus? Yes, it probably will, but this ordeal left me with wanting nothing more to do except write. So sorry everyone.

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Mac of All Trades
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Sat Feb 11, 2012 2:56 pm


What can I say but turn your haters into your motivators
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PostSubject: Re: Philosophical Entries.   Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:30 am

Mac of All Trades wrote:


What can I say but turn your haters into your motivators

Holy balls please don't tell me that I actually typed that
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